It's scary how time flies and suddenly you realise that you're thirty. I know it sounds so cliched, but that's exactly how I feel now. It's not like how it's usually portrayed in movies, that suddenly you wake up one morning and you see an 'older you' staring back in the mirror. It's much more subtle..
When I was in my teens, I thought that somehow when I grow older, I would have more control over my life. I will know where I'm heading, I will know how to plan ahead. I thought I would have it altogether. Today, 29 September 2011, I've just turned 30. I realised that I am still the bumbling mess that I was 15 years ago, only older. It feels like a big part of me has remained the same even though the outward circumstances have changed substantially - graduating from university, getting the first job, switching jobs, getting married and moving out from my parents'. I kind of just carried all the little insecurities, the notions, the habits, the facial expressions, the reactions, essentially what I was and what I am; all they way through from my pre-teens, teens, twenties till now - thirties.
Having said that, I think I do like myself better now than I ever did before. Maybe with the age and maturity, I'm becoming to accept myself better and not constantly be in want to change to suit others. I've learnt that it's ok to not always have an opinion on something. It's ok to not know what to say at times, or be at a loss for words. It's ok to like a sappy movie that everyone else seems to hate. It's ok to still enjoy watching Pretty Woman when it gets screened on tv for the 101th time! It's ok to pretend not to see an acquaintance along the street just because you don't feel like talking to anyone that day. It's really ok as long as I am just me!
This year has probably been, how journalists would pen it, the most controversial year of my life. I quit my job at the end of the 1st quarter of the year simply because I didn't like what I was doing. I couldn't imagine myself working in this same line for the rest of my life. The hardest part of this present arrangement is having to deal with myself. I dislike not earning my own income and find myself apologising to my husband occasionally for having to support me.
The good part is that I have a dream and a goal that I am working towards. Though at times I find it so hard to put the pieces together. It's sort of like having a do-it-yourself bookshelf that you have to build, but with no manual or diagram to follow. To make matters worse, the parts of the bookshelf are mixed with spare parts of other furniture. So there's a lot of searching, knocking and banging.. The pieces might be of the wrong fit, there might be some dismantling required, more knocking and banging... With enough perseverance, the bookshelf will come together.
Well, I'm still stuck in the knocking and banging stage now. Surely the knocks will get lighter, and the banging, softer in time to come.
A few weeks ago, I was going through the apologetic ritual just before bed time. My husband turned towards me, gave me a light hug, and assured me by saying "It's just not your time yet". I don't think he knows it, but that meant the world to me..
Today, at 30, I'm thankful for a wonderful and supportive husband. I'm thankful for Jesus who keeps watch over me day and night. I'm thankful for my lovely and healthy family. I'm thankful for friends who make me laugh. Life is meant to be a celebration. So, here I am, holding a little mini marshmallow birthday party, with dark chocolate and chopped pistachios. To those of you who are going through your own little patches in life, I hope to share them with you. Life can only get sweeter... :)